Man vs. Bus
Today you woke up. Not something particularly surprising. Yesterday Tom Naughton woke up. The only difference being he did so in hospital following his altercation with one of Warwickshire’s proudest locomotives – a 52 man Catterall’s death wagon.
Many a man has attempted to take on an entity far superior in size and power. David and Goliath, St. George and the Dragon and now; Tommy N and the Catterall’s. The 30th January will forever be remembered as the day that one fearless man from the shire stood his ground for something he believed in.
Since his formative years, Tom Naughton has been at the forefront of the group “Against Naughty Automobile Legislation” (ANAL), attempting to join a Shaolin self-immolation demonstration whilst wearing a “NO2HS2” T-shirt. His latest protest found its form in a head on collision with a coach on the Myton Road.
Some say that 10 tonnes of steel moving at 30mph is a pretty tough match for a 17 year old lad. Tom said bring it on. Using his own body as a weapon he made a full-frontal assault on the bus, warping its metal and rendering the capitalist industrial machine crippled for some time due to an undoubtedly expensive compensation pay out.
Eye witnesses have divulged to us what proceeded to happen. With law enforcement on the way an innocent bystander (Ian Bille) stepped up to direct the traffic around the scene of carnage. Good PR. Expect an I’m a Celeb debut. As the police arrived an onlooker was able to provide a unique perspective; “The feds cruised right past me, it was chillin’ but mental”.
Our thoughts are with Tom’s family and we wish him all the best on the way to a speedy recovery. Regrettably, we must delay the publication of our next issue further. Tom is one of our sharpest wits, and without him an issue of The Free Press is cannot be called The Free Press. We hope that sit remains intact when Tom returns, and he does not come back believing that his local is The Queen Vic and Ian Bille is his best mate.
You may be surprised to find out that the use of mistletoe at Christmas is not just an excuse for desperate men to get a cheeky kiss from the girl (or boy, depends which way you swing) that they’ve been lusting over for the past year. But there is in fact actually some tradition behind this seemingly innocent trick.
It was believed that kissing under the mistletoe would eventually lead to marriage, a bit forward but back in the day we didn’t hang about. So any victims of the mistletoe be careful who’s wandering about the place looking for a cheeky kiss, and a possible marriage. In ancient times the Druids believed that mistletoe would bring good luck and health. Although it has been used to treat some ailments, the berries are in fact poisonous and should not be touched by children.
Mistletoe has also been associated with fertility, a good crop being a sign that the following season’s harvest would be a good one. But not surprisingly the only part of this tradition we’ve taken with us the kiss, mankind never seems to surprise. Horny devils.
Kiron Phillips owns a Mistletoe farm, he is currently single.
Issue 11 will be out next week. Special Christmas Issue!